We all have experienced grief. When I explain some of the grief I have experienced, some of you might say, “Wow, that’s a lot!” Others of you might say, “Mine is much more intense.” I realize that. In my life I have experienced the loss of a college friend who accidently fell over a cliff, a friend I was discipling in an auto accident, my assistant last December who died at 50 years of age to cancer and her husband who preceded her a year earlier from a heart attack. Laurie and I have also had a miscarriage. I have ministered at the side of members/friends whose baby died, parent died, suicides, murder and close to 180 funerals I have officiated at. I have a fair biblical, experienced, theological and practical understanding of grief. Currently, I am facing a brother-in-law with brain cancer and parents that are older and a dad who is slipping. Good grief, that’s a lot.
Speaking of good grief, is that possible? I think it is! I am not saying “happy” or “fun” or easy. I am saying, “Is there a good way to live out grief?” Yes, here is how God is teaching me.
- Start with God. Whenever grief gets anywhere near my radar screen I go to God’s sovereignty. To know and believe that God is in control. He has never said, “Oops!” He knows our birth date and our end date. I trust His plan.
- I get my perfect empathy from Him. If I seek to get perfect empathy from anyone else, I will be disappointed. Only God the Father can truly identify to us. We can get empathy from others but it will always be flawed.
- I move towards God, not away. Many people run away from God and His body. Their flesh takes over and they run into isolation. I have learned to run towards God and His people. Without those two, it can get very lonely and dark.
- I try to express my feelings. People can’t read our minds or our feelings. We may look fine on the outside but a wreck inside. Expressing feelings is wonderful. Especially with someone who will just listen, empathize and try not to solve your problem.
- I find great comfort in worship. In the church, with my iPod/iPad or find ready specific Psalms 46, 90, 91, 33, etc. It’s very life giving.
- I seek to take care of myself. I get counseling. I exercise. I blog. I write. I find things to do to give me life.
- I put energy into things that have a cause greater than me. In other words, use the grief for a good purpose. I give. I serve. I promote.
- I believe in the steps of grief and allow myself and others to process them on their own. Denial→Anger→Bargaining→Depression→Acceptance.
- I think about heaven. Better place. Better people. No more grief.
- Ultimately, I bring it to Jesus. Whenever I experience grief I try to bring it to Jesus. He has big shoulders. The cross proved that. He says to us to unload it onto Him because He cares for us.
“Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved. “ Psalm 55:22
“…casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. “ 1 Peter 5:7
I think bad grief can be good grief. It does not take away the pain but it does allow you to gain.
Thanks for being prompted to share this on this day. . . Like all of us, I’ve experienced different kinds of grief in different relationships. But today, I’m leaving to be with my 93-year-old mom who will have brain surgery on Thursday. “I want to be better or be with Jesus,” is her prayer. I support her in that, but I know there are other possible outcomes. I’ve printed these words and will carry them with me.
I think grief has a strong hold over my life unfortunately. Jesus Christ is the only one who truly helps me. Grief can hit you for reasons other than death as well. For me, I had such an amazing childhood and was raised an only child in such a loving family, that it is hard for my mind not to miss those times. I also suffered emotionally when my father was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer. Don’t take lightl,y but definitely don’t believe a doctor with a timeline. My dad was a stay at home one and raised me, we have a very close bond. To watch someone you love that much suffer (even though I am truly blessed that he has overcome the disease) is so damaging to the heart. The mind is a very tricky place sometimes, and flash backs aren’t always fun or controlable. You can also go through greif when someone you are close to exits your life or moves away. It could be an ex or a good friend. Maybe it is just somebody you’ve grown apart from as well. I also tend to hear sad stories or stories of death of other people I don’t even know and it is so striking. That brings a sense of grief as well. Grief can be good because it allows you to truly be grateful for each day and all the people you love that are in your life. Don’t take any of that for granted! If anything grief has taught me that.
When I start feeling down I remember the pain Christ endured. I also think about the things that make me sad and how they are so few compared to the sad God sees in this world. Think of the shear pain alone of giving up his beloved son. My sorrow is nothing I can not overcome.
I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world… John 16:33
Some good thoughts Bob. My experience tells me that people also often associate tears, pain, loneliness, etc as aspects of bad grief, when it reality they are often the results of a healthy and normal grieving process which moves us into good grief. Reading your thoughts nudges me to write more.
Grief: I so appreciate you sharing with all of us what God is teaching you. I found a sense of “freedom” when I read the list of recommended good ways to live out grief. I myself have ran from God in the grief; THAT NEVER WORKS!! Keeping your focus on Jesus, and knowing that He is ALWAYS in control, is the only place to rest in true peace. Thank you, Pastor Bob, for having a true shepherd’s heart for your “flock”.